My survival film guide

My childhood was full of rules and laws by fanatic religious men. They told me to obey everyone to survive... but all I knew was: "I just HAVE to SURVIVE!" There was no life which I could enjoy in my real world. My reality was like a strange movie without any logic or happy end. Therefore I preferred to hide myself amongst the movies. That was the best compromise I could make with god. He gave me a fertile imagination, I thanked him and worked with it. I had nothing against god. I´m totally against people who claim that they know god and are qualified to rule over other peoples life. These people came and went by, played their games... I was happy when they left me for some hours.

Like Harish Iyer I put much interest in movies. Not only in watching, also in living and breathing them. I always wished to be at another place. It was great experiencing the real world at least through the movies. Otherwise I was completely seperated from normal kids. I had no childhood. There were always these annoying hours of preaching everywhere. In school I was an outsider, beaten up daily for my parents beliefs... never told them. I was silent, what should I say? Nobody listened, anyway I had no character. I was a brainwashed slave who has to preach, pray and sell her soul. Only in my fantasy I had a VOICE.

 As a teenage girl in the middle of the 90s I loved "The Outsider", "Breakfastclub", "St.Elmos Fire", "Taxi Driver", "Stand by me", "Flatliners", "Big", "Con Air", "Reality Bites", "Flashback", "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure", "Into the sun", "Fearless", "Gilbert Grape", "The Wonder Years" Serial with Fred Savage and all movies with John Malkovich. He was my star. I identified myself so much with rebells, because I could never break out of my >holy jail<. From the outside I was a well-behaved, honest girl. But in my heart I had lots of questions. Life was just weird for me. Being alive just to obey others made no sense.

I started writing books at the age of 12. My stories were full of adventures, of crime and fights. I fought for a little piece of personality. But never realised, that I already had an own will. I was a master in ignoring my own wishes. As long as I had the movies I lived with a good compromise. While thinking of my past I see lots of movie sequences. I still own all videotapes where I recorded the movies, to watch them over and over again. Large number of these movies I know inside out... using their lines - at least in my head - to bear bad situations.

Another movie I loved a lot for its special mood and hidden message is "American Beauty". I identified myself so much with Wes Bentley and Chris Cooper, whom I adore. Also "Donnie Darko" is a great movie. I know I forgot the most movies, but few awesome movies were also: "Equilibrium", "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", "American Psycho", "Scarface", "Try Seventeen", "Shutter Island", "Monster", "Vanilla Sky", "Spun", "Crazy/Beautiful", "Vicky, Christina, Barcelona", "I am Sam", "Monkey Love", "The Town", "Bardiem Biutiful", "A little trip to heaven", "Brick", "Igby Goes down", "Inception", "Godfather I-III" and "Looper".

Since 2005 I watch indian movies and there it`s difficult to find special movies, which I gave 10/10 points. I really love many of them, but gave full marks just to very few, compared to the 400 I watched. My first movie which broke that record was "Khaash" (1987 Jackie Shroff, Dimple Kapadia), then "Dil" (1990 Aamir, Madhuri) "Anniyan" (Tamil 2005, Vikram); "My brother... Nikhil" (2005 Sanjay Suri, Juhi); "Kannathil Muthamittal" (2002 Madhavan); "Madrasapattinam" (2010 Arya); "Pattiyal" (2006 Arya); "GOW I+II" (2012 Manoj, Nawaz); "The japanese wife" (2010 Rahul Bose) and "15 Park Avenue" (2005 Rahul Bose, Konkona).

Others with 9/10 are "I am", "Kurbaan", "Champion", "Tere Naam", "Kites", "Main Aisa Hi Hoon", "Khal Nayak", "Kanthaswamy" (tam), "Simhadri" (tel) and "Vaastav". There are many to watch in the future, I ordered all titles from Anurag Kashyap. He´s the MASTER. He has a brilliant taste in movies and whatever he and his crew is suggesting, I will watch and decide. A very passionate moviebuff is Haider Beig. I´m so happy by meeting him due to the "Gangs of Wasseypur" Screening in Hamburg with the man himself >Anurag Kashyap<. What he unites, will never be seperated, hehe. It was pure destiny and surely too much luck to deserve in one small lifetime. I´m happy and thankful forever. The journey just started.

My whole life I was inspired and powered by movies. It gave me oxygen to breath and a voice to remember within. Now I support young filmmaker, independent cinema and social groups with my whole heart. I never stood up and fought for my freedom. I was imprisoned for 21 endless years. Nobody has the right to decide over one another. KEEP FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHTS AND DREAMS. At least I started ten years ago and I am free. Trust your heart, follow your passion. One day it will all make sense. :-)

Anksuni