The last episode was broadcasted today. While watching every episode it brought my german heart more closer to India. It always was very close since 7 years. Now I learned much more about the problems, but also the solutions. My heart is full of love towards India. There is no day left without indian music, indian food or friends... and the everlasting dream of visiting the country. I´m always fascinated, love hindi cinema and wish to be born there. India is like my family, but for indians I was a stranger.
When I listened to each and every problem on the SMJ show, my heart was full of pain. I wanted to help everybody, but how? I spread the word and awareness. But the second episode about "Child sexual abuse" changed my life completely. It was HARISH Iyer who left me speechless. His sentence "I was living two lives. One in which I was abused. The other when I was not. I had created two compartments in my psyche and I never wished the two to become ONE. " After hearing that, I needed a break. Hearing my thoughts through his mouth, I felt very connected. I lived my life in the same way. Suddenly I was captured in my past, knewed every pain and helplessness like it was yesterday. I went on watching Harishs story. I cried and couldn´t bear the words from his mom, when she talked about her first reaction towards him. I felt very unwell and it put me into a deep reminder of my childhood. I know why his mom told us about her reactions, bcoz thats the truth. Most of the time it happens like that. My parents went on beating me, abusing me and giving me brainwashings. I could´t act like a normal child. Always imprisoned in their own reality and sect to follow advices of other mighty men. From birth till I was 17 (when I left my parents house), I endured every inhuman behavior from them. There was nobody to listen or help me. My sister went through the same. We both created our own world to survive that hell. Like Harish I watched movies with another intension. I just needed a glimpse of caring humans in this world. I connected with the movies very much. Saw my life as a part of it. Like Sridevi gave him all his strength. I always wanted to be someone else. Because I thought I´m not welcome, the way I was.
When I left home I was lost in this strange world I never experienced before. Trying to ignore my past and move on with hard work and normal behavior. Since 15 years I´m avoiding my past and move on. But my head is full of nightmares. 17 years of my life were worthless. Wether I had an own personality, nor did I have the ability to form a friendship. I managed to live alone and be happy with that. That day I watched Harish Iyer on tv changed my life. I saw all my emotions in his eyes, it was impossible to hide my feelings and worries anymore. NOBODY should be silent with a past like Harish Iyer, Ganesh Nallari or Cinderella Prakash. For the first time in my life I talked to a public audience about my past and the importance to stand up and fight. I got much response and strength to start fighting for a topic, which was always too painful to even think about. The next day I had an appointment with a doctor, but she felt, that some big burden was on my shoulder. I never realised that I couldn´t hide my feelings anymore. I told her my childhood story. I don´t know where I got the strength from to talk to some strangers face about my biggest nightmares. But I dit and she was worried. She said, I can´t live my life by being silent and alone. She recommended me a psychiatrist. But I told her, I will never go there. The next day at work I had a nervous breakdown. For my heart or mind everything was too much. Harish´s words always in my mind, my helplessness, but also my anger were just too much. I tried to be strong, worked the whole week. But my thoughts become mad and I wanted to end the whole unfair game called LIFE. I was happy to find that easy way to jump off. But there was the next appointment with my doctor and when she listend my careless words about quitting life, she didn´t let me go. So I went to a psychiatrist and we had a two hour long talk. Never before in my life I would ever do that. I didn´t trust anybody. But my past was so real for me now, that I sensed a way out of these nightmares. I sensed kind of help, that would really help. I accepted that help from these two doctors and through that my life changed immense.
By learning Onir´s "I AM" (Abhimanyu) is based on Harish & Ganesh´ story I watched the movie and spread the word about it, wherever I was. I wanted to spread that awareness. If children have nobody who help them (if parents are the culprits) they need much support. The whole society should know how to identify strange behavior. When I heard that there was an "I am" screening in switzerland (June 17, 2012) with Onir I visited it and wanted to talk to Onir at all cost. God gave me much luck by giving me the chance not just to talk to Onir, but also spend the whole day with him while enjoying chinese food, having long talkings, sunset and the train ride back to zurich. The next big change in my life came through Onir. We talked about our lifes and he gave me many good advices. I was afraid of following one special advice but yesterday I completed that task and feeling more free and happy. I asked him thousand questions of helping or supporting "Anticlockfilms" and he told me about "Chauranga" and the crowdfunding. He wrote me later to welcome me as a part of "Anticlockfilms" army. I felt immensly happy to be worthful for somebody.
Through "I am" I saw ANURAG Kashyap in the role as Abhimanyu´s father/uncle and was very curious why he did that role. Always inspired by his directing and writing skills, I was much surprised to know about his past as a victim of abusing too. He had a very hard life and many setbacks, but never gave in. By accident I read on a german cinema page, that Anurag will be in Hamburg but I couldn´t believe that. I asked him on twitter and he answered me, that this it right. So I booked a flight from Switzerland to Hamburg immediately, wether I have that day off or not. One week before I´ve already watched/ read all his interviews, bcoz I was just too much impressed. I always want to help, but only helped people with small problems. I always was too afraid to help people with these deep painful problems. I couldn´t even bear to listen to their stories. When I met Anurag Kashyap (July 12, 2012) in Hamburg a big dream came true. I wanted to ask him many important questions, wrote them down for my friend, she is journalist. But she didn´t asked these questions. Anyway I was very happy while meeting him and watching "Gangs of Wasseypur I + II" with him. He is so nice and friendly. ... On twitter its easy to spread a word :-) But I also want to help children to have a nice childhood. To get a healthy body and mind I started walking long distances. Its very easy to help through "SOS Children villages" with your donating money related to each walked kilometre. I will attend a walkathlon soon and I´m very excited. I was never into walking, becoz I have many problems with my feet and knee. But pain should not hold us back from walking a NEW PATH in life. Even if you make very small steps, the next will follow for sure. I don´t know how much my life will change in the future. I know it all starts with Harish eyes and the way he told his story. He used his deep words so honestly, he surely touched thousands of hearts. ... I´m still going to a doctor, becoming stronger every day. Fight against injustice and stand up for needy people. It starts by a small decision, to watch Aamir Khans tv show "Satyamev Jayate" and I never ever expected such a change through the people, who spoke about their sad destiny. All of you helped thousands of people and showed them a better way to deal with the pain. DON´T BE SILENT anymore. Thank you Mr Aamir Khan for your effort to make this amazing tv show possible. My honest thanks to all involved people.
Lots of love,